My Struggle With Self-Harm

The topic of self-harm. I started when I had another one of my mental breakdowns. It was at my primary school's corridor, and I found a sharp piece of glass inside my school bag. From what, I'll never know, but all I know is that it was there for me when I first needed it.

It wasn't planned or anything, I never even thought of self-harming before that one incident. I used it on my wrist, and all I felt was... joy, intense happiness, like nothing mattered any more, as long as I have the piece of glass with me wherever I went. It hurts, but only if I want it to.

From that day on, all of the words people called me, I used my little piece of glass to help me cope. It was my coping mechanism, nothing else seemed to work. The bruises I got, I thought I deserved them. I was stupid, ugly, who would wan me even without the scars, cuts and bruises that littered my body? So i allowed them to continue, but what they didn't know I did to myself, wouldn't hurt them, would it? So I continued.

They didn't realise I was harming myself until the year after, I 'celebrated' my one year 'anniversary' of having a best friend with showing my scars out to the world, not caring who saw. But my personal torturers saw, and from then on, my life got a whole lot worse.

And again, I depended on my best friend so much more. At the end of that year, I had 30 sharp blades, 20 razor blades, and an infinite amount of small pieces of glass. I hid them everywhere, in classrooms (only the small pieces of glass), in my locker, in my school bag and in pockets on my uniform. Nobody ever saw or questioned me about them, or my scars.

The bullies used my self-harming against me, which in turn made me love and cherish, and not to mention use, my sharp objects a lot more. It was one huge cycle that I did not see could make a big impact and change in my life.

I'm not going very deep into this subject because it's private and personal to me. I'm still trying to get rid of my habit, but as they all say, old habits die HARD.

I used self harming to go against me and the control, or loss of control, of my life. I hated me for it, but I still continued. My body was littered with scars, all over my wrists, on my stomach, inner and outer thighs, my chest, and some even on my neck. But they were always covered with something, and so that way, I could continue my habit and have nobody see.

I didn't know what I did would cause so much damage and after-effects. I loved my blade for so many years, I used it from when I was 7-8 years old until I turned 14. I only just tried to stop, ad I still find it hard to lose that control I had over my life, the only control I had over my life.

All other aspects of my life, they were controlled by my torturers, my parents, school, bullies, and I was confined by the rules and laws of both school and the country. I felt trapped, and my way of release was through self-harming. Because there never was a rule blocking it from happening, was there? So I continued, and loved it for so long. Too long.

I thought my blades were my only weapon against life. But ultimately, I used the weapon, against myself. The only person who actually cared whether the blades were there or not. The only person who could get hurt by them. Me.

I was always screaming out for help through the use of my visible scars, but at the same time, I was hoping nobody would see them. Whenever a teacher walked by, I made sure my wrists were out in the open, but nobody ever saw.

That was the way it continued until ninth grade, and my science teacher, now foster dad, saw them. That wasn't the end of my struggle with self-harm though.  I'm still struggling, trying not to reach for the blade, but I am 7 months clean. Sometimes, I'm so proud of myself for not getting the blade and surviving through the taunts and my cries, but sometimes, I'm just itching for that ONE little cut.

But I know if I allow myself to, just to have ONE little cut for my achievement right now, I know that I will ruin all of my hard work, and the cycle will continue. So if anybody has any suggestions on how to try to stop self-harming, you can write it in the comments below. Please, I need some extra help!

And a tip for people trying to stop self-harming: You're using the blades AGAINST yourself. The ONLY person who cares is YOU. The ONLY person who could get hurt by them. It's all YOU.